“I feel the worst about not being up front with you. I have trouble saying these words, what about I’m about to tell you,” I glanced at my hand once more, then back to his eyes.“I’m not married. I wasn’t married when we had sex. My husbanded died over a year ago. I haven’t been able to take the ring off, until recently. I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you, I shouldn’t have lunged at you like that during that session. But I couldn’t say the words, I couldn’t let go. I guess I never will, Doug will always be in my heart in some way, but I want you to know I’m sorry for any regret or guilt you felt by thinking you had sex with another married woman.”Ulysses was quiet, eyes wide, taking my words in. “Brandi, I, um, thanks. I did feel bad. I thought you were married, that’s why I stopped using you as a therapist. But thank you for telling me. I’ve never lost a spouse, but I imagine it’s hard to say that they’re gone, that you’re not married anymore and to take off the. I don't remember the funeral itself, but I remember watching his casket being lowered into the ground. They wanted me to leave, but I needed to see it. I watched as the backhoe pushed the dirt in on him. I stood as they took everything away from me. My life was gone the moment Freddy was lowered into the earth.John somehow was able to get me back to our house. There were tons of people there, and food everywhere. I didn't feel like eating. A plate was pushed into my hands, but when they weren't looking I tossed it in the trash.Freddy was a picture taker. He loved taking our picture whenever he could. He had pictures all over the walls in our house-of us at the beach, backpacking, or working in our backyard. He loved taking pictures. Looking at them killed me. I was on autopilot. I took a box, and I just started removing the pictures from the tables, mantel, and walls. Everyone was watching me, but I couldn't stop myself, I had to remove him, from everywhere. John and Ryan tried to.
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